Its so hard to name a what I learnt; frustrating more than anything because I feel I learnt nothing.
I learnt more what not to do than what to do. Whilst this is a positive thing in and of itself, it would have been nice to learn a thing or two on what to do.
Feels I am doing it all over again by myself, having no basis, from scratch. Its not a nice feeling, feels lonely and empty.
For years I rejected the idea that a father figure (or a mother figure as well, but Im talking about fathers now) is a must in a child’s life.
Maybe because I didnt believe in it, maybe because I thought I can teach myself whats missing.
Problem is, as always, I dont know what I dont know.
I dont know whats missing.
Only until recently, looking back and analysing a lot of myself, Im realising how much I missed. This, I cant get back; feels a little too late now and it is.
Im regretting now having a father figure as if in a way its my fault even though I know its not; but for some reason it feel like this?
I think my confidence took a hit, no one to look up to, no one to share my thoughts with.
Its been a lot of work to get my confidence back up and its still not where I would like it to be or should be.
Progress is slow and sometimes Im wondering if its all worth it. I might be overanalysing everything now but I prefer it this way; at least for the time being.
I want to know where I belong, whats my purpose, get my confidence running, forget and forgive the past.
I think I want to forgive the past just to get the weight off my shoulders, not for the things that happened.
I feel heavy, as something is pushing me down and if I dont let go, it will continue to follow me.
I want to forgive just to be at peace with myself. I know where I stand, what I’ve been through and where I want to go.
I dont want to copy the same actions, the same mistakes, the same regrets. I dont want to move forward and still have regrets because things didnt work the way they should’ve.
I had no control and even if I had, its too late. I can only think forward.
I want to get the weight off my shoulders and its time to let go.
#building_better_fathers #diary_of_a_dad