Being a father is a selfless act. its not about you anymore and why should it be?

I had no father present; physically he was there but no role model to be proud of. I always knew a piece of me was missing but it never hit me until recently.
Thats only because I always thought I will just do it myself, I will be my own role model.
But this doesnt change the fact that growing with a role model will have changed everything; for myself as a person, for myself as a man and mostly as a dad.

I feel a part of me was empty, with no guidance and felt I always wondered around rather than have a path.
I never paid attention how much having a male role model makes a difference.
I felt guide-less for such a long time.

I tried to substitute all of this in some other ways; looking for role models, listening to podcasts and educate myself in every way possible. But I must admit that nothing beats having the physical presence of a male role model. No matter what I tried I wasnt satisfied.

Up until recently when I had to stop looking externally all the time and just look at myself. Yes, I didnt had that role model but that didnt stop me improving myself, educating myself even though slower but it was an improvement nonetheless.

Now when Im thinking about all of this out loud and honest to myself, when I identified the problem and admitted to myself this was an issue for me, even though I always thought it wont be, I know the solution is reachable.
But not only reachable, I am accepting the past. I am not in denial of the past, I do not run away from it.
Because in a way or another I did run away from it; more I was doing it more I was running away from me. I wasnt the person I wanted to be, like a stranger within my own mind.

If I am not accepting myself, why would my child accept me? If I am not happy with who I am, what role model can I be for my child ?
What can I teach him if I am not happy with my own accomplishments? I dont mean financial accomplishments, I mean personal ones, character building ones.
Money come and go; today you have it and tomorrow everything is up in the air.
But your character and the way you approach life and the battles stays with you.
This is what I want to pass on, this is my legacy. Character building, resilience, fighting and acceptance.

It took me very long time to accept myself and part of the problem was not admitting to myself, my own flaws, my own insecurities, not letting go of the past.
I was dragging the past with me in the present and it was affecting my future.
If I wouldnt do anything about it, where would I be in 10 years time? in 20 years time ?

Would I be proud of myself? But thats not what I want really. Of course I want to be proud of myself, but I wont be telling myself that.
I want my son to be proud of me in the same way I want to be proud of him.
If I am not where I want to be and not doing anything at all to improve, what I am proud of?

I had a saying since he was born: “my life through your eyes”; and thats how I want to live my days.
What am I doing today to improve myself to teach him better? What am I doing today to be proud ?

Jobs, money, friendships, relationships, fights and arguments come and go. But my persona, my character, my traits will affect him much more than anything else.

This is coming from someone who did not have that. I dont want that. I want to break the chains.

the role model I had was not happy with himself, always drinking, always chasing women, always blaming others, never his fault, no accountability, no pride in being a man, no pride in being a father, no character, no spine.

As harsh as it sounds or as painful as it is when I am writing this, was much more in reality; specially looking at it with the eyes of a child.
All your hopes are shattered and your dreams seem far away, no guidance, only blame, no “Im proud of you”, only guilt.
The alcohol didnt make it any better either. The shiver down my spine every time I heard the door opening and thoughts in my mind were: “is he drunk or not?”, “should I be scared or relaxed?”

Always under stress when that door opened and any relaxation or comfort didnt last long, because that small bottle of vodka was always handy and at the corner shop.
Why tip toeing in your own house ?

Used to hide in the closest as a way of a game, to play hide and seek but it wasnt hide and seek; was to see if he was drunk or not. that’s the lie I kept telling myself for years and years.

Nothing has changed until I admitted to myself what it really was.
nothing has changed until I made steps to actually change myself for the better.

Its always being said, if you recognise the issue, you have solved half of the problem. its true, I will give you that.
admitting it, not as easy. I dont want to admit to myself I needed help, or that Im not man enough, not good enough.
Ego problem. It just got me into more problems that it should.

Maybe I am overanalysing myself lately, but I want to do that and start improving rather than not admitting I need to be better.

The moment I held my son in my arms for the first time at the hospital, I knew I had to make everything I could to just be better for him to be proud of me.

Thats all there is to it, thats all I want. for him to be proud of me. because I am not proud of mine and it breaks my heart.

I cant change the past, but damn sure I can change who I am for my son, for myself for him to be proud of me.

He’s my legacy, he’s my everyday effort in put in, my overanalysing myself, my I want to be better.

#building_better_fathers #diary_of_a_dad